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why chicks don’t dig you – the body

This is not the look of love.

Women don’t look at men with the same hot-blooded concentration as we do them, this is anthropoligical. A man’s glance is like a searchlight, it always goes the same route when it’s switched on.

Eyes.

Nose.

Lips.

Neck.

Breasts.

Navel.

Waist.

Thighs.

Knees.

Calves

Toes.

Plus you can add one more if her clothes are on the floor and she’s walking towards you, and another if she’s walking away. You do get the picture don’t you?

But first you have to get lucky.

The woman has much more to deal with, particularly if the man is a surfer, so much can go wrong. This lady ^ (check above) for instance, we might think that she is gazing at us (you or me) in utter fascination and with unbridled lust – that’s the wired in understanding – but what she is in fact doing is running her own bodily function check. On your body.

Follow us on this journey.

Eyes.

That small trace of white matter seeping from the corners of your eyes, that redness around the pupil – that’s herpetic keratoconjunctivitis – and that’s what she’s looking at. The Madras Eye. Not a good look lad, you’ll probably shed a tear when she walks away and that’s precisely the treatment your eyes need. How’s the irony eh? Too bad. Next.

Nose

No real need to dwell here as so much can go wrong, the sinuses are a swamp of embarassement for the surfer. She knows that what has gone up must come back down and nobody has yet come up with the proper etiquette for mopping up a puddle of nasally discharged saltwater mucus from a girl’s navel, lucky you got that far brother. But no further, and too bad. Knucklehead.

Lips

A man’s been in the sun and saltwater all day, battling swell, and the lips are a little dry, a little cracked – but it’s a like cool right? Tom Carroll has been getting away with it for centuries.

But maybe not and you want to know why?  She’s looking at Erythema, or possibly Angular cheilitis. Either way she knows you have a fungal farm on your lips and there is no way the lady is going there today – so you might as well kiss that babe goodbye, like hell. Too bad. Next.

Neck

You wouldn’t think it would you, what could go wrong here? A neck is a neck, all it does is hold up the head and funnel the food.

Sorry lad, this lady knows her way ’round – and she’s looking at your emerging Caruncle, your Wattle. Twenty years in saltwater have negated all the skin’s natural elasticity and now you look like Granny down there. Plus there’s a small forest of mature hair in the gulleys that need attention. This isn’t your day, too bad, bro.

Next.

Breast Chest

At last, she’s down to where it matters, the top-end acres.

What can go wrong here? This is the main attraction, even if the head is a bit of a pineapple what babe could resist such a spread?

She ^ (up there again) can, because it’s not all roses and abs down there lad. How many different terms are there for nipple rash we ask; jogger’s nipple, surfer’s nipple, gardener’s (?) nipple, raver’s nipple and red nipple. Whatever you call it it’s Fissure of the Nipple, plus the possibility that it contains a smear of eczema, or a touch of impetigo, a dimpling of psoriasis – whatever, you’ve got it and she’s spotted it. Dang!

Navel

Candida, you read it first here, and you though yeast was just for making bread rise. Wrong again old boy and the lady is well onto it; yeast is bugs, and bugs in the navel is candida, and candida is fungus. No good just gazing into there brother, some places need a regular reaming, and knowing that Candida was also a hot little Mexican stripper in Tijuana doesn’t excuse you, asamatteroffact there could be more bad news on that front.

~

There has got to be a winner somewhere down here….

~

– and moving right down to Thighs, because after all this is a family blog and there are ladies present.

You may not know it but thighs have a neighbourhood problem, and it’s the folks upstairs that started it.

We’re talking Tinea cruris here, eczema (me again) marginatum – that’s crotch rot on the move, dhobi itch*. You may think that wearing boardshorts gives you a free run here but the old travelling jock itch is a little unmistakeable in the nose department – it smells, she knows. She goes.

*Dhobi itch; back when the English ruled the world and were busy subjugating India they used to have the locals do their laundry – nothing like washing out a gross of old pommie underpants for a living – so the locals put a lot of effort into putting a lot of soap into the wash and not rinsing too hard. The result was some very hard underdaks, hence rash, hence dhobi (laundryman) itch. Thank you, it’s a pleasure.

Knees and calves

Knobby, boney – not with considering. Hairy. Pass.

Toes

This is worth remembering.

< ~ ~ That’s John Bryan with no hair over there and that’s The Duchess of York with no clothes, he’s sucking one of her toes.

So as you can see, toes have their part in the seduction of a woman, old Johnny had it the wrong way ’round there but being a pom he’s excused.

Most men don’t worry enough about their toes and as a result have rarely come to terms with the life that teems down there, between them. Trichophyton interdigital, those fellows, they breed like rabbits and don’t bury their dead – hence the odour.

The toes also itch like all the furies and the minute you bend down to give them a scratch that’s the game given away. Athlete’s foot, footrot.

You’ve made it this far and failed in the home straight – walk away lad, it’s over.

31 Comments Post a comment
  1. This made me laugh over my morning tea (back in Blighty now). Plus, I like the snippet about the derivation of dhobi itch.

    I’ll be gradually reading your older posts again shortly, so don’t forget to leave the light on.

    September 25, 2011
  2. I’m trying to convince my wife to read it, but she knows me all too well – she is well used to all those conditions ^ up there – excepting the candida option

    September 25, 2011
  3. Jeeze… my sense of personal inadequacy has just spiralled…

    September 25, 2011
  4. we feel your pain bear – standfast matey ..

    September 25, 2011
  5. bukit, head up mate. there’s still this technique.

    September 26, 2011
  6. Roller… you left out the last two steps… addiction and death.

    September 26, 2011
  7. Karen #

    There is a photographic book called “Surfers”, forgotten who by who, that writes about terigiums, chest issues, skin damage and chicken legs as responses surfers’ bodies have developed specifically to deal with the elements of water and sun that they live in. In other words, what you’ve described above Pete isn’t a body in decline – it’s evolution.

    September 26, 2011
  8. Hehehe – i knew a toe sucker once – not that he ever got near my toes – no sir -no way – no how

    and Pete – we ladies can handle a bit you know (all puns intended there) so go back and rewrite the bit before THIGHS – HUH ??

    😉

    September 26, 2011
  9. hey karen, you want to settle jo down a little here – she wants me to evolve

    September 26, 2011
  10. Karen #

    Well, seeings as I have nothing more interesting to do…Uh… hi Jo. Maybe it’s Pete that can’t handle it (or maybe he thinks he covered this already in ‘why chicks don’t dig you – the sex’).

    September 26, 2011
  11. I think you might have a point there Karen – but he is missing the point I think – don’t you ??

    September 26, 2011
  12. Just for your entertainment:

    Surf’s Up

    [Ladder Lovin’] [The Hot Seat]

    Erotic Instructions:
    This is a tricky pose and can only be done when the sea is calm. Lie facedown on a surfboard with your arms and legs outstretched on either side. With your guy standing at your side in waist-deep water, have him wrap his leg around the board to mount it like a horse and enter you from behind. Once he and the board are steady, he should stretch out as well.

    Why You’ll Love It:
    Trying not to tip over the surfboard adds an extra element of fun to this carnal challenge. And, having the hard substance beneath you — and his hard body on top of you — feels exquisitely
    sexy.

    To avoid a wipeout, maximize your movements. Flex your Kegels (muscles you use to hold back urine) to create waves of pleasure.

    Sourced from Cosmopolitan…

    September 26, 2011
  13. {gasp} .. sound of door closing very quietly

    September 26, 2011
  14. Hehehehehehehehehe

    September 26, 2011
  15. R.I.P. ‘family blog’ status…

    September 26, 2011
  16. Karen #

    Soooo with you Jo. I mean you gotta do something in those flat spells.

    @Pete I honestly tried to get her to settle. but you know chicks – all they ever think about is sex.

    @Bukit Bear doesn’t ‘family blog’ status die every time Brew drops by?

    September 26, 2011
  17. I’m still wrestling with the thought of a woman flexing the kegels – sounds like a type of surfboard that bends – no! – I don’t like that inference either

    September 26, 2011
  18. Well Pete,

    just for you – and to permanently lay to rest the family blog status…

    You will be able to have better sex by being able to better control your orgasms and ejaculations, and last for longer, plus you may get the added kudos of being able to hold up a wet towel with your erection if you practice these Kegel exercises for men.
    How do I know where my PC muscles are?
    The easiest way to find them is to stop your flow of urine next time you go to the bathroom. Another way to isolate them is to put your finger inside your anus; when you contract the right muscles, your anus will tighten. However you decide to find them, once they are found you need to practice feeling exactly where they are located — it is easy to overcompensate for weak muscles by using the abdominals, buttocks or thighs. These must all stay relaxed when doing Kegel exercises for men.

    Now, on to the daily Kegel exercises for men.

    Note: These exercises are done hands-free. You do not “squeeze” anything with your hands as they are all done with your PC muscles.
    kegel session 1
    Exercise A
    Sets: 3
    Quickly clench and release repeatedly for 10 seconds.

    Take a 10-second break between sets.

    Exercise B
    Sets: 10
    Clench and release repeatedly for 5 seconds.

    Take a 5-second break between sets.

    Exercise C
    Sets: 3
    Tighten and hold your PC muscle for 30 seconds.

    Take a 30 second break between sets.

    That’s it for today, but repeat these Kegel exercises for men daily for one week.
    kegel session 2
    Exercise A
    Sets: 10
    Clench and hold your PC muscle for 5 seconds.

    Release and repeat.

    Exercise B
    Sets: 3
    Quickly clench and release your PC muscle 10 times.

    Exercise C
    Sets: 3
    Clench and release your PC muscle alternatively in long and short bursts for counts of 10.

    Exercise D
    Sets: 1
    Tighten your PC muscle and hold for as long as you can. Aim for 2 minutes.

    You can do the session 2 Kegel exercises for men for a week; however, feel free to progress if you feel you are strong enough. Remember that these are strengthening exercises, so start off slowly and build up, just like you would with any other muscle.

    Pilfered from: http://au.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_60/67_love_tip.html
    As a pirate that’s allowed – pilfering I mean.

    September 26, 2011
  19. in case you need help with these instructions…

    hehehehehe

    I’ll stop now
    It’s time for bed for old ladies.

    September 26, 2011
  20. wet towel eh .. I’m good for wet three man tent baby

    September 26, 2011
  21. Great Job! That’s all I’ve got to say – too busy laughing to write anything else!

    September 26, 2011
  22. Okay – having trouble sleeping – forgot the kegels so well you can imagine the problems I am having – hehehe – so I thought that well we could discuss the exercises for women –

    Many factors can weaken your pelvic floor muscles, from pregnancy and childbirth to aging and being overweight. This may allow your pelvic organs to descend and bulge into your vagina — a condition known as pelvic organ prolapse. The effects of pelvic organ prolapse range from uncomfortable pelvic pressure to leakage of urine. Pelvic organ prolapse isn’t inevitable, however. Kegel exercises can help delay or even prevent pelvic organ prolapse and the related symptoms.

    Kegel exercises — along with counseling and sex therapy — may also be helpful for women who have persistent problems reaching orgasm.
    How to do Kegel exercises

    It takes diligence to identify your pelvic floor muscles and learn how to contract and relax them. Here are some pointers:

    Find the right muscles. Insert a finger inside your vagina and try to squeeze the surrounding muscles. You should feel your vagina tighten and your pelvic floor move upward. Then relax your muscles and feel your pelvic floor return to the starting position. You can also try to stop the flow of urine when you urinate. If you succeed, you’ve got the basic move. Don’t make a habit of starting and stopping your urine stream, though. Doing Kegel exercises with a full bladder or while emptying your bladder can actually weaken the muscles, as well as lead to incomplete emptying of the bladder — which increases the risk of a urinary tract infection.
    Perfect your technique. Once you’ve identified your pelvic floor muscles, empty your bladder and sit or lie down. Contract your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for five seconds, then relax for five seconds. Try it four or five times in a row. Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions.
    Maintain your focus. For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks. Avoid holding your breath. Instead, breathe freely during the exercises.
    Repeat three times a day. Aim for at least three sets of 10 repetitions a day. You might make a practice of fitting in a set every time you do a routine task, such as checking email, commuting to work, preparing meals or watching TV.

    SmartBalls

    SmartBalls come in 3 different weights, and each are suited to a different level of pelvic floor ‘fitness’.

    SmartBalls have been designed to tone your pelvic floor muscles as you go about your daily activities. They are weighted balls, made from medical grade materials and are worn vaginally (with a little lubricant) by women. SmartBalls strengthen your pelvic floor muscles and correct and prevent bladder weakness.

    SmartBalls Beginners Pack

    The SmartBalls Beginners Pack has everything you need to get started on recovering your pelvic floor strength.
    NZ $55.99
    incl GST

    SmartBalls Power Pack

    SmartBalls Power Pack
    NZ $99.99
    incl GST
    of course should none of this be any good…

    then there is always Kegel Bowling

    Kegel (from the German for skittle) is an Australian bowling game, in which a player rolls a wooden or plastic ball along a smooth, hard indoor lane (kegelbahn).[1] The object of the game is to knock down the nine kegels at the other end of the lane. Kegel is based on traditional German games and is therefore closely related to both skittles and Ten-pin bowling. It was developed in South Australia, by German settlers in the 19th century and remains popular in areas in which many German people settled, such as the Barossa Valley.[2] The town of Tanunda has a kegel club.

    September 26, 2011
  23. what’s that noise? ……. it’s the thunder of feet as every man who ever came here runs for the exits .. and they are all heading for NZ ..

    all those fingers, all those personal places .. and not a word about prostate nuggets

    September 26, 2011
  24. Oh goody !!!

    Now it’s time for you to head over and contribute to this:

    http://jobryantnz.wordpress.com/2011/09/26/pinghank/

    we are after anyone who can life a finger to – well to do anything really…

    September 26, 2011
  25. Karen #

    Evolved yet Pete?

    September 27, 2011
  26. @ Karen – I don’t think so. Still some work to do…hehehehe
    @ Pete – you’ve gone awfully silent – are you one of those running for the exits ??

    September 27, 2011
  27. tap tap tap tap tappity tap tap

    September 27, 2011
  28. Ina #

    lol I think surfers don’t have to worry about women looking at them at all now I read the above 🙂
    Good excersizes though! And men should wash their feet if they want us women to kiss their toes as well 🙂

    September 27, 2011
  29. ” what are you doing there in the shower young man?”
    “Nothing mum, just flexing the old keggle.”
    ” you silly boy, you’ll go blind.”
    howareya ina,

    September 28, 2011
  30. Ina #

    …and wash there too of course for the same reason 🙂 I amfinethanks!

    September 28, 2011
  31. Ina #

    🙂 Mothers …

    September 28, 2011

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