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the billabong teahupoo 2013 pro – a look at the minor contestants. (3) trooper swatch

The 2011 Tahiti Billabong Pro comp is underway and the world’s best have gathered here to compete in one of the more dangerous events on the surfing calendar. Teahupoo is almost impossible to paddle into when the wave gets to a serious height and any miscalculation can become very serious, many contestants are injured, and many lose all their confidence when faced with a massive heat.

Here we look at the new-comers, the minor contestants, and we examine their life forces.

Trooper Swatch. This kid was born in Switzerland to Brand Name People – his mother, Longine, and his father Rol(ex)y have a lifelong committment to the commercial success of The Troopster, their only child.

< – – – This is his time.

He has not disappointed them and now he is here in Tahiti and ready for his semi with Parkinson, who is apparently cocooned in a bungalow in Hitiaa undergoing a radical physcotherapy that incorporates a diet of carrots and a daily lava bath in the nude with Sonny Boy Gomes. This is mandatory. You’d want to be able to see in the dark with SBG hangin’ loose, bro.

Troops is an enigma, he is also a Pro Surfer and despite being massively wounded two weeks ago surfing Cyclops in WA, wounds still evident in this, his Tahiti Pro Promo Pic.  The reef headbut all but scalped Troops as can be seen but the boy has great resolve, unlike Parkinson who famously wimped out of a Jeffreys Bay competition for a hangnail injury he suffered at Snapper.

– hence the headshrinking ego-stroke sessions at Hitiaa.

remember this challenge ? Borrowed ground Parko, that’s what you’re on here. The Swatch is slowly ticking down to the final of the Chopes crown. **

Trooper was born in Chur and thanks to his great grand parents’ wise investments in the 1930’s and 1940’s he inherited enough of their stolen horded jewish nazi bullion jewellery gold, rent money to buy and install a Wavegarden on his parent’s private golf course. A wise move with only one small drawback, being that young Swatchy can only go left, but he can go left very fucking hard. This guy has so much determination and technical know-how he’s even perfected a system of weight and balance control not seen since Adolphe Eichmann* developed the titanium wheelarray balance in the Mercedes Argentina factory after WW2.

That’s not a earring hanging off Troop’s left lobe bro, that’s a semi-spherical titanium fully integrated alignment and weight sensor, yo.

This is the pic that Trooper has on his wall in the smaller library of his parents other home on the lake Como, the one next to George Clooney’s weekender  – it’s the bigger place on the right. The one with the 150′ Mangusto moored out front.

Remember this bail-out JP .. ? We’ve just done a thumbnail here, don’t want to tone down the therapy sessions son – but the Swatch would have pulled in, and that other guy isn’t exactly bound for glory. Timing, it’s all about timing.

That’s what Swatch is all about ..


*You think we’re kidding here .. ?

** Jack ..? You still out there, get it to rhyme mate, it ain’t hard.

check rinky dora – here

check ralphie karadjdordjic  – here

3 Comments Post a comment
  1. You are certainly making me smile!

    August 26, 2011
  2. Sludger #

    I was really rooting for Randy Leclolp, but my tv’s rabbit ears couldn’t pick up the webcast from the quarter finals onward.

    Can you give us sports fans of the fringe a summary of how it played out?

    September 7, 2011
  3. well, good morning sludger – I think my lads peaked early mate – but they won the fashion award so easy –

    September 7, 2011

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