adonis had a pig bite his arse. how it all fits in.

by peterbowes on July 28, 2012

Doing a lot of surfing from a very early age, the consecutive years of hard paddling and wrestling surfboards through tumult and uproar doesn’t always work out the way it should. Muscles are like money, they get wasted.

The premium physique like the one Adonis has here is wholly dependant on a regular work routine and rigid attention to details, like not letting a pig bite you on your perfectly sculpted arse. He was a bit of a mix-up the old Adonis – being Greek, but he had the build and the hair.

However when the body goes south the restorative work must commence, and being what we are, mongrel surfers to a man, we allow the work to become competitive over time. The 35 sit-ups last week becomes 55 this week. Plus a couple more until it hurts. Ditto the rest of the list. There has to be pain.

Here’s a handy guide to what a man of about 70 is expected to complete at least five times a week.

16 full body torso twists

16 deep knee squats

10 nearly touch the toes

50 push-ups

15 abdominal crunches, with the arms folded.

Then do it all again plus a couple of extras to beat the bastard. Bastard being the exercise, the stuff you never had to do when you had The Physique. Now gravity pushes everything you own earthward in that unearthly conjunction of time and eternity.

Here is a young lad of 4; a grandson who today dares anyone to remove his wrap-around shades and B’Bong cap. He likes the look of the above routine so he steps up to the mat at the 13 push- up call. I look over and there he is alongside, grinning at me, doing little pushies of his own. Grinning. Behind the shades, the cap.

On the deck.

You can’t look around too long during a push-up routine, there’s the anterior deltoids, the triceps and pectoral muscles to consider – plus if you’re about 70 you have to keep breathing. If everything stops mid push you’re going to go out on a face plant into a composite rubber gym mat made in China. There will be imprints.

Like ‘ Made in China ‘ embroidered on your forehead.

14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 ‘grandad!’ 23 24 25 26 27 28 ‘grandad!’ 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 ‘grandad!!’ 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 ‘grandad can you do this?!’ 44 45 46 47 ‘grandad, can you do this??!’ 48 49 50 51 52 – nearly there so we look over at the little bloke, 53 54 55 56 – and he’s on one arm and one leg. The other arm and leg are up in the air.

– and he’s still grinning at me.