longboarders, how to deal with them one at a time. with prejudice.

Nothing can be done about longboard riders, they surf in their hundreds of thousands these men and boys – yet once they were human, like us. Savage and uncompromising, greedy and slit-eyed, cold-blooded and cunning. Handsome, virile and able to leap tall buildings with a single stride.

That’s what it took to be a boardrider once, all those things, before we allowed the few longboard resurgers (that’s a technical term) to breed into millions and cover the planet in their teeming hordes.

They do go away eventually, one by one and all at a venerable age. Wise old men who have spent 95 years talking about waves and 85 catching them. That’s how bad it is out there. We’ve got the local surf club ducky equipped with a blood transfer unit, a nurse in a short skirt and a second hand defibrillator in an old waterproof camera housing.

However there are things we can do to discourage them and hasten their departure from the beach. Follow us on this journey.

The wrong call.

We have a long ocean beach, waves about 6′ plus and a lot of movement in the inside channel – a hard sweep to the north. Good big waves are breaking a long way out.

What we are looking for here is someone who has lost his (long) board because of a leg rope fail. So he’s still way out there after ten minutes because he’s a piss-weak body surfer {see below}, and his (long) board has been swept all the way in and is now being fanged up the beach by the sweep at about 8 knots. Another half K and the rip will take it back out to the break and beyond. This is our fervent hope.

A couple of surfers are lounging up on the dunes when he finally wades ashore and starts looking for his board. He looks everywhere with an increasing desperation. Wilfred Thesiger in The Empty Quarter. The board meanwhile is about two k’s north and halfway to the horizon.

He stops, looks over at the loungers and gives a classic ‘ can you guys help ? ‘

Too easy. They all point south.

The timing problem.

This is a group activity.

Take the Avalon pool jump-off, a reasonably easy entry if you can separate the five seconds you need from the twenty you don’t. Sometimes a few surfers line up by the pool chain while they wait their turn. The local mongrels go out four at a time but they’re kids.

The long boarder is number two in the queue.

Number one is a decoy and number three is the prompter. They have a plan.

The decoy picks the very end of a lull before he makes his dash over the chain and exposed rockshelf  – the next set is 100 feet away. This is the prompter’s cue and he urges number 2 (our man) forward. ‘ C’mon mate, go NOW! ‘

Two goes. He heads for the chain.

The decoy slips into the water.  The set is now 50 feet away.

The long boarder has managed to climb over the chain with his big board and is watching where he puts his feet on the half-submerged rock shelf, he is now in a dreadful hurry.

He looks up. The first wave of the set is now 5 feet away from him and it towers over his head. Any man with an ounce of integrity would feel something for this poor bastard, and all the lads who were lounging on the ledge above him are now up on their feet.

– and here comes the carnage.

Some victims make an eyes-shut jump into the monster – it doesn’t matter – others turn back, this is worse. The real crowd pleasers are the ones who dump their (long)board and dive into the wave still attached. This manoeuvre results in a drama of heroic proportions. Firstly they have to get the 20′ leg rope off underwater while avoiding the jagged rocks( the board is gone) that surround them, then they must swim out far enough to be able to turn back towards the beach without having the rip take them away. They might catch a few waves on the way in, if they can {see above}. Then comes the slow trudge up the beach and the heartbreak that awaits them.

The board is completely trashed; the top, the bottom, the rails and fins. It has been mightily scourged and will never be ridden again.

One down and one at a time, this must be remembered.

header pic ripped from tarrastravels blogspot – san diego.