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marrying a surfer – category 3

old man surfing
Aged from fifty-five to the onset of dementia, members of this category can be said to have generally absconded from the trappings of all reason, they are indeed ‘ Living the Dream ‘ in that to any casual observer the sight of these fragile old gentlemen sporting themselves abroad the restive ocean’s surface is both unnerving and fraught with imminent tragedy.

This category is naturally prone to many dehabiliting ailments, none of which are improved by constant immersions in cold salt water.

For instance:

Hemorrhoids do not respond attractively to the long periods of waiting that are imposed upon this category’s time in the line-up. There have been some recorded instances where it has been found that in such a situation the surfside removal of a tight fitting wetsuit may not be in the sufferers’ best medical interest.

Containment of Herniation Source is recommended. Home treatment in a warm shower is recommended.

– and remember to wash your hands after the successful adjustment has been effected.

Urinary disorders may indeed be camouflaged to some extent during a torrid session at (say) Collaroy, it’s not as if you are trying to mix water with oil here, however the corresponding irritation to the personal regions is not unlike an érythème fessier * in both appearance and discomfort, not to mention the sulphuric odor.

The symbolism here is inescapable, and reliable advice is hard to come by.

Mothers rarely live so long.

* nappy rash

The presence of Myopia, Fuchs’ Dystrophy, Macula Edema or Myodesopsia (floaters), although providing an outstanding and undeniable justification for dropping in on someone you really and truly didn’t see, are serious enough dis-orders to dissuade the category in general from entering a Melbourne tram, let alone a competitive line-up. Indeed, sufferers of these particular ailments have been seen applying wax to the underside of their boards. Mix in a little dementia with the above and witness the severe bafflement evident when they get to the back end of the board where the fins are embedded.

You have to laugh, life is too short otherwise.

Fecal incontinence, although rare in this category, has its advantages for the surfing population in that sufferers are usually prone to withdraw from most social interaction.

This of course can be a good thing, as one less in the water benefits the many remaining.

Some wetsuit manufacturers are rumoured to be engaging in low-key product feasibility exercises with regard to the potentially rapid turnover of their product in this expanding niche market.

Apparently product naming rights are a problem – nobody wants to be a smart-arse do they.

Dementia is an affliction that can strike at any age, however, and as demonstration of the potency of its early onset all one needs do is ask oneself to accurately describe the details of any four waves of a ten-wave session immediately after the session has concluded.

University tests have shown that the level of recall, in all ages, is best described as disappointingly universal, or universally disappointing.

Pray for surf, indeed.

Hedonism is a religion without a God.

Care must always be taken not to arrogantly assume that the drab old gentleman with a large belly trying to extricate his new Quad Fish from the back of a Porsche Boxter Spyder is just another rich fat bastard wanker with an image problem.

He may be suffering from Meckel’s diverticulum, an unwieldy condition that inflates the stomach (amongst other and more painful symptoms), which was named after Johann Friedrich Meckel, a German anatomist and the first goofy foot to have backdoored Makaha.

There is however some cache attached to the complaint in that Kurt Cobain was a fully paid up club member.

Cynics of the late Cobain’s vocal style have long insisted that he only sang when it hurt, can you believe it?

The category confounds us all in their choice of surfing hardware, and it is not unusual to see a bedraggled ancient staggering shorewards and towards his car bent over by the weight of his 9’10” McTavish traditional ten stringer, despite his chronic Anterior Interosseous Nerve Compression and his recent hip arthroplasty.

If these conditions are wedded to Macula Edema then the  poor old bastard may need some help in finding his car, so exercise some charity here my son – small deeds reap large rewards.

Finally we must deal with the apparel, the clobber, and the insistence of this venerable category to cover their ever increasingly wrinkled flesh with intolerably wrinkle free clothing. How their wives must labour over their ironing boards. A lifetime’s collection of surfing T-shirts ironed to a parchment like finish.

Gone are those days of well-worn rags and crusted boardshorts; these dotards fold and unfold their towels and clothes all day. They pack First Aid kits and coffee flasks and discuss world trips and share prices. They carry combs.

We park near facilities.

They holiday in Europe.

published in kurungabaab waaaay back


2 Comments Post a comment
  1. Buccaneer #

    Love the photo!! That guy is killing it!! Good read, though I do have glaucoma so that part hits home, plus the hemorrhoids. But I’m still out there when it’s on!!

    January 13, 2011
  2. yes Bucco

    I found out long ago what was the the origin of the phrase ‘ my bleeding arse ‘

    January 13, 2011

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