A letter to ‘Sticks’ Perrottet, the Premier of NSW

For the attention of the Office of the Premier of NSW, the Right Honourable Dominic Perrottet MP.

12 January 2022.

Dear Sir ..

I would like to apply for the soon to be advertised position of the CEO of the RAT Audit and Fine Collecting Procedures Department and with this as my objective, I have the distinct pleasure of demonstrating a deep understanding of the the problems you may encounter with regards to the collecting of the soon to be made mandatory $1,000 fines for not registering a positive RAT test within the required time limit.

Allow me, in the first instance, to congratulate you on the commercial instincts that prevailed upon you and your colleagues to come up with this financially rewarding scheme, knowing that someone suffering from the possibly fatal conditions of a Covid induced illness is more likely to pay up rather than worry about state paid debt collectors harrying the lawyers engaged in distributing his or her final bequests. A wise move, Premier. First in best dressed, yes? Commendable.

The system I’m proposing is that every RAT testing item be numbered by the manufacturer and upon distribution throughout our wide brown state part girt by sea, these numbers are to be recorded by every wholesale recipient of same whether they be a Harvey Norman franchise, a pharmacy, fish and chip shop, milk bar, paper shop, brothel, gay bar, car dealer, bottle shop, parliamentary canteen, gentleman’s club, garage, clothing retailers, surf shop, sushi bar, hotel, RSL, TAB .. whatever, we all must acknowledge that this stuff has to get out there fucking pronto, agreed? Otherwise people may die without completing the mandatory input, and death, as we all know, is a nuisance when the corpse owes money to the government.

Next we create a recording database of every distributed and numbered RAT item made available through the above-mentioned organisations together with the details of the individual who wisely purchased it prior to its use, whether it be a ten-pack, twenty-pack or a one off bought in the back bar of the local hotel at twice the retail price. A minor illegality that I’m certain you will soon address, Mr Premier. Any logistical problems that may arise when a RAT test is given away to a family member or anyone in dire need will be accommodated by a newly designed app linked to both the RAT source app and the inventory control app, please note that the recipient of this largess, as well as the original recipient, will be required to lodge their details online within 24 hours otherwise penalties may apply.

These details should  include the buyer’s, or recipient’s full name and address, birth date, country of birth, religion, marital status, occupation, sexual proclivities, licence number, passport number if applicable plus recent photo identification. This data can then be sorted and collected by whatever govt. department you, Mr Premier, in your wisdom might create. And it might be wise to consider linking it to the police database of known criminals and miscreants, meaning you might get two for the price of one, know what I mean?

Then it’s a simple matter of matching the unreported RAT positive of those suffering from Covid to the said distribution of numbered RAT items where it might (hopefully) be proved that owners of said items, sick as they are, have failed to register their illness through the scheme as outlined above thereby triggering an automatic fine notice. In other words, Mr Premier, you will have the legal ability to kick them while they’re down. Agreed that the Robodebt scheme wasn’t that well managed but life is a learning curve, is it not?

It should be noted that in the case of death by Covid of an unreported RAT positive, government recompense can be successfully achieved in the long term by the passing of whatever laws are deemed necessary to sue said estates for proper recompense, including interest and damages, and in those instances where a RAT positive citizen is unable to access a smart phone by reason of old age, loss if functioning marbles or infirmity, the debt collection procedures will abate for as long as it takes them to get their shit together.

May I add, Mr Premier, if at any time your conscience assails you and some doubt arises as to whether this treatment of your fellow citizens is all fair and reasonable, just ask yourself the one question “ Do I care?”

Sincerely

note: RAT means Rapid Antigen Response.

note: the nickname ‘Sticks’’ was given to the Premier when as a boy it was unkindly remarked that he had legs like a pair of tomato stakes (pic below).

note: icare is the name of an insurance company saddled with the responsibility of caring for the well-being of hundreds of thousands of NSW workers and was at one time under the steerage of the now Premier, Sticks Perottet. Sadly, it appears that not a lot of care was taken under his stewardiship and subsequently many heads were rolled, though, as we can plainly see, not his.

Legs like tomato stakes