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mr brown – deceased and the methods used

Dealing with Mr Brown, finally, after eight years of blundering around a farm property in constant trepidation can only be successful for the non-gun owner if he prepares himself thoroughly. There are things he will need, weapons, and a rule of order to the engagement.

Mr Brown – seen here – is positioned perfectly. A compact figure eight. Unaware of the photographer who stands above him on the edge of a wooden deck.

‘click’

The weapons must now be gathered in haste, silence and order.

The Immobiliser

Hesitation could mean defeat in this opening salvo if Mr Brown is alarmed by the vibration of quickening feet and slides away. Stealth is required.

Hold the boulder in both hands, approach the edge of the deck and look down, observe Mr Brown (still at ease) and immobilise him.

‘thud’

The size and weight of the boulder (weapon 1) mean’t you were unable to carry the shovel (weapon 2) to the killing ground. This must now be fetched from the wall of the shed where it has stood idle since being used to furrow an eight-hundred metre ditch across three paddocks to hold the new water-line.

The Blade

Weapon 1 has immobilised most of Mr Brown but his uncovered head and a large length of tail flick and squirm. These are your targets. But an unclean shovel-edge, deeply pitted, is no match for the rubbered toughness of Mr Brown’s shining hide. It doesn’t penetrate. Nevertheless over thirty strikes are delivered before the weapon is withdrawn and another sortie made to the arms dump.

The Supplementary Immobiliser

Hold weapon 3 in both hands, approach the edge of the deck and look down, observe Mr Brown, deploy weapon 3 on top of weapon 1.

‘crack’

Mr Brown struggles all the harder, what parts of him are visible, and is ready for the coup-de-grace. This of course means another trip to the shed and a brief search for weapon 4, which has been placed behind a barrel of old tomato stakes.

The Spike

Weapon 4 is the most precise and damaging of all that went before but it’s very difficult to deploy with accuracy. Nevertheless, one successful spike should be all you need.

‘pop’

Mr Brown’s remains are to be left in situ overnight, just in case, but the dog must be dissuaded from too close an approach because even now Mr Brown squirms.

Just a splash

‘Whoosh’

2 Comments Post a comment
  1. Hippy #

    Thought your first weapon was the lawn mower PB?

    June 20, 2018
  2. They make a peculiar sound when you run one down on a ride-on mower … If the head is still intact we nail it to the woodshed door.

    June 20, 2018

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