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The Spanish invented pain when they laid condemned men out on their backs and lowered large boulders onto their chests so that everytime they breathed out they couldn’t suck any air back in – with the weight of the boulder taking up the slack and all. Then it was all black face, popping eyes and compression of glossal blood vessels, specifically lingual veins, that’s an engorged tongue problem. A mouthful.

This was one of the Spanish Inquisitions’ most advanced methods of convincing a chap to quickly reconsider his hitherto firmly held religious beliefs. No gay mardi gras in the 15th century either.

Now we have Canary Palm spikes. Multiple insertions of,

– into the one bare foot.

canary palm spikes

canary palm spikes

Local property maintenance men, gardeners, farmers – they all wear great clodhopping Blundstone boots around here – boots so big that at the end of a working day they couldn’t tell whether the mess all over them was red mud or wet cowshit. Couldn’t tell and couldn’t care.

This is because they know about boots.

Blow-ins from Sydneys’ beaches work their little acres and orchards in bare-feet – the habit of a lifetime – shoes are for funerals.

This is because they don’t know about boots.

– so, chop out the excess palm fronds, drag them over to the fire-pit, lay them on the ground and then accidentally step back into the middle of them all.

How’s that beachboy ..

Then say goodbye to mobility for about three weeks and hullo to serial hurt. This is instant. There are about 26 bones in the normal foot, all reasonably dependent on each other, and don’t ask how, but the pain is telegraphed through them all like a virus through a database – plus there is some evil-looking black shit on the end of the spikes as well. Feeling the pain go through each bone is like looking at a metropolitan train map light up in peak hour.


Two things. The distance between the Robina Mall and the Broadbeach Pacific Fair is about 10 k’s and there are about 500,000 people living on the Gold Coast.

Another thing. Winning a lottery is about 1 chance in many millions. This is agreed.


Chap sitting in the Robina food court has his leg up on a chair. Bandages and plaster covering one foot from knee to ankle – plus a brace. He’s just reading the paper and drinking a coffee so we wander over, squat beside him and say ‘ I couldn’t help but come over and interrupt you. ‘ He of course thinks you are either a deviate or selling electric blankets so you go on quickly, ‘ mate, ‘ you say, ‘ I noticed that you have seriously buggered your foot and all I want to say is that I trod barefoot on 5 Canary Palm spikes last week and I know your pain. ‘

His eyes crinkle and he goes ‘ eeeyouch. ‘ There is sympathy here.

We smile at each other and that’s it. Back to searching for the Apple shop. You want to know why going into one of those places is like going to a Casino .. ? You know that you will lose money, that’s why.

Two malls in two days; this can happen to a married man – it’s an activity. Today it’s the Broadbeach invention – Pacific Fair – and they serve food everywhere. This should be remembered.


Chap sitting in the Robina Pacific Fair food court has his leg up on a chair. Bandages and plaster covering one foot from knee to ankle – plus a brace. He’s just reading the paper and drinking a coffee.

The same fellow, the same fellow wearing the same clothes. There goes my lottery win.

4 Comments Post a comment
  1. Erm, apopleptic…?

    I’m wincing just thinking about it.

    June 1, 2012
  2. oh you just made my morning Pete

    June 3, 2012
    • howareya jo, everytime I walk past that palm I can’t help but growl at it – I reckon 10 lits of Glysophate will do the job – then I get to burn it bit by bloody bit. The hate is real.

      June 3, 2012

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