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make them all look the same. revisited

Quote – ” The trouble with professional (read individual) surfers is that they have been inculcated into believing that they are the sole carriage of this industry.

The ascendancy of such individuals to the highest realms of the sport has had the unfortunate side effect for us (the industry) in that they have usually accumulated a cult following on their amateur ascendancy of a size that may well interfere with our plans to attach our product to their (transitory) fame and this has a cumulative negative effect on product sales which is only exacerbated when they are replaced by a new title holder with the same amateur baggage.

This in turn may well mean the risk of a shareholder restiveness and a general loosening of share price – and the premature eventuality of our careers.

The Charter.

The purpose of this paper is to examine the ways and means of denying professionals any individuality other than the one that we create and maintain and that accompanies our brand.

Fashion change must be rapid and illusory, the public must always follow – never lead. (Christian Dior)

In the rare cases where a surfer rolls out a succession of world titles we must have the ability to harness his image to a limited range of products, we must also have the ability to offer him a board position to one of our minor subsidiaries which, as you know, binds him hand and foot to the company. Remember it is in our commercial interests to maintain and project a strong youth culture (ages 14 to 18)  to the consumers of our product. Professionals aged over 20  do not provide this necessary appeal to the bulk of our male customer base worldwide.

Such contracts (above) by their nature must be renewable in the short short term and have binding and worldwide restrictions when they time out.

In addition –  It is essential that the governing bodies of the Professional Surfing Associations continue to allow us to nominate the locations and timing of the determining contests that decide the championships, together with a general supervision of the worldwide broadcast contracts. This of course is facilitated by having cross board memberships with both major broadcasters and championship sponsors.

It is also well to remember the unspoken commandment, 8′ plus forecast or the girls go in.

We are also hopeful that the performance / judging criteria of said competitions remains open to annual review and that we retain our influence on the decison makers. We also must re-iterate that all risks and costs of treatment of any injury and eventual rehabilitation to the home country are the responsibility of the participant only – regardless of the timing of the event where the injury occurred, or the nature of the manoeuvre. We do not want to be put into the position where manoeuvres are judged considered too dangerous to include. Some of our best commercials are air shots, and with the advent of the ‘ flip kick ‘ we would like to see this manoeuvre taken up in junior competitions despite it’s inherent danger.

This could be the first determinative manoeuvre that qualifies as legitimate crossover skate / surf and is the subject of preliminary and extremely positive marketing research.


The money exposure in professional Surfing is the winner’s dias shot, no argument  – The cup, the girls, the champagne spray, the cheque with a legible winner’s name and  the sponsor’s billboard overshadowing all.

We suggest that all existing contracts with the top twenty-five professional surfers in our particular stable stipulate  – that at such times and for the duration of the presentation, and whether they be celebrating a win or a second or third in any competition –  the following agreed terms.

(1) Winner must wear brand sunnies at all times (supplied)

(2) Winner must wear brand cap, peak forward at all times (supplied)

(3) Winner must wear brand long-sleeved rashie in summer / brand long-sleeved wetsuit in winter at all times (supplied)

This way they will all look alike, year in and year out – it’s not as if any of them is articulate enough to impress anyone other than the magazine groupies that follow the circuit – and their days are numbered in favour of the renegade internet, which as we know is our next challenge. “

Marketing / 2001


12 Comments Post a comment
  1. Anna #

    This shatters my faith in the corporate world…. I am devastated, how can it all be so… calculated?

    February 14, 2011
    • This is what happens when you equate accounting skills with business management – there is much to regret ..

      February 14, 2011
    • You actually had faith in the corporate world to begin with?
      Anna, turn left after the fish and chip shop and you will find a small blue door. Go through that door and down the stairs. Behind the wardrobe is a small hatch. Go through that. Climb down the ladder. Whistle is three short bursts. A light will come on. Go to the far corner of that room. You will see a washing machine. Climb inside. Do not mind the smelly undies. They are to put off potential infiltrators. Wait a moment. Climb back out of the washing machine. Go back up the ladder. Go through the hatch again. Go up the stair and back through the blue door. Go around the corner past the fish and chip shop. You will see a non brown door with the number 11 on it. Knock. A man in a food stained shirt and with a big belly will answer the door. Do not be afraid. He wil linvite you in to the lounge room where will be sitting, at 7pm each evening, a small circle of friends. Each will have facial hair. The women will have matted hair. the men will be in army cargo pants bought from Wal-mart. On the coffee table in-between them all will be the communist manifesto. Feel free to pick it up and read it, and subsequently join the conversation. Viva la revolucion.

      February 14, 2011
  2. The first sentence was meant to be a question. So insert a question mark at the beginning of that sentence please. One of these: ?

    February 14, 2011
    • you want bozo blog administration to edit your post clif? – …. this is a big move old mate –

      February 14, 2011
      • Clif #


        February 14, 2011
  3. wow, I’ve done it and now I’ve got really sweaty hands ..

    February 14, 2011
  4. Pete, you’re A-okay
    And Haiku’s are what I’m ’bout
    Clif can suck my nut… 🙂

    February 14, 2011
  5. Steve Shearer #

    What you’ve only got one?

    Poor cove.

    Seems I’ve missed plenty round here.

    This one was bigger than Nietzsche Contra Wagner……or was it Hemingway making a prick of himself on the turps?

    February 14, 2011
  6. satch #

    just stumbled acrosss this nifffty conversation. clif ain’t half a clever bastard as ian dury might say. and pete it helps to be a right bastard sometimes wrote the manual. i hope your gonna leak more of these internal documents. apparently there is a thirst for the wirtten vord that crackles with experimentation and rebellion. seems like liberation is more like burrowing deep in enemy territory and for the parody I applaud. you have a cozy fire burning away inside you pedro and you can’t deny the strange sense of cuban roots when you are in the tropical climes. no really its like the way cigar smoke and liquor are distracting from a torpid atmosphere. the clinking of pool balls the whir of the fan. of course this is absurd i am not going to ask to you believe any of it, as much enjoy it and see how it might work some sort of magic on the fires. hten again i may be pissing in the wind but as a fool i gladly take the chance.

    February 16, 2011
    • gimme the music someone and I’ll make a song of that satch –

      February 16, 2011
  7. satch #

    pull out the fiddle have a hootananny

    February 16, 2011

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