surfing, a thesis in support of old men and locals
A Thesis, in minor form.
Doing Surfing: A subject for scholastic exercise:
Dr. Edgar Crampley-Joynes Bowes-Lyons, a blood Royal, an Oxford Don and recent visitor to the northern beaches has at last had published his eagerly awaited thesis on ‘ Surfing and the Problems Inherent with it’s Attendant Lifestyle. ‘
ECJB Lyons, a welcome addition to the better-educated strata of Avalon society, was farewelled only six months ago by the local Literate Society and we, the Society, are delighted to be amongst the first to read his considered treatise on the make-up of those strangely phobic fellows who insist on territorialising public beaches.
Without wishing to pre-empt the entire 500,000-word thesis (Published by Boondecker Cambridge & Stout, UK Pounds 135.00 and available through Amazon from July 25th 2003), ECJB Lyons has given his permission for Realsurf to run a few excerpts, as follows:
(1) The middle-aged surfer and his relationship between Surf and Street-Wear.
This fellow is happy enough to wander from the carpark to the water’s edge wearing a wetsuit that is baggy enough around the arse to pack a sleeping bag, yet who will blithely re-appear an hour or two later, avec wife and fils at the local supermarket cosily clad in $250 Reeboks, baby socks, mid-calf BigBrand cargoes, exotic T-shirt, spaceman sunnies and wraparound headgear.
Conclusion: The species continues to suffer from an incontinent youth, there may also be somewhat of an ongoing problem with wardrobe delineates if the species has suffered a childhood with multiple and more favoured female siblings.
(2) The mid-term Old Settler and his relationship with the ‘ New Settler ‘.
This species is identified and well known by dint of many years of courageous servility to the established ‘ Born Locals ‘ and has long established himself as an indefatigable champion of rhythms and times he was never fortunate enough to witness.
He is easily identified as being at the back of the mob when and where the ‘ Born Locals ‘ congregate.
Where he unhappily rests in their inconsequential shadow.
Where he nods and grins, without rest, without peace.
(3) The Mis-Placed Old-Timer.
A strange and much aligned species is this ‘ out of time ‘ anachronous longboarder.
This species is known to revel in a boardshort fetish and has been logged as owning as many hibiscus okanuis as did Imelda Marcos rack footwear.
Performance-wise: The species has yet to be spotted anywhere within eight foot of the nose of his nine-foot surfboard and the fact that he can squirt water from his fists while hanging around out the back only exacerbates the wholesomely held belief that this fellow has an unresolved sexual problem and an ongoing relationship with the local laundry.
(4) The Stand-Over Man.
A dichotomy exists in the extant of consideration of this particular species of ‘ hard man ‘ as to what is accepted in local folklore.
Whereas once the ‘ Stand Over Man ‘ was adjudged to be an individual of small means and large presence, nowadays (at least as far as Avalon is concerned), the species is of large means and small prescience.
ie; A Monied Knucklehead.
In conclusion, the Avalon Literate Society would like to thank Realsurf for the opportunity to preview the work of ECJB Lyons, and we will accept NO apologies from anyone who hasn’t had the education to understand the gist of things.
Larry
Realsurf, former home of Larry .. always worth a visit.
petebowes.com 
Excellent work maaaaate!
Always to good hear from you – seems a great outlet to put pen to paper.
“LARRY” aka PETER the ROCK
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Onya Bod, found this in an archive somewhere.