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byron bay, the capital of kooks

Byron Bay has two things, Learn To Surf Schools and kooks. They feed off each other in front of your eyes – and the schools don’t let their lessons get too complicated for those folks who just want to get out at the Pass and assist with the carnage. Their lessons start in the water, which is far too late, the view here is that they should start on the land, in front of the top pub as a matter of fact.

The pub has a little smoker’s balcony that looks over Jonson Street; Jonson Street is kook central, they (kooks) infest this dingy commercial walkway in their shambling hundreds. This is where the surf school administration should set up their teaching pulpit, plus the pub sells beer. There is much to like about the venue.

Because first we have to teach these poor bastards (kooks) how to behave in public, and THEN they get to paddle into the surf. How hard is it to get first things first. Another thing, all the instructors up there on the balcony sucking into schooners, they’re Queenslanders, and are armed.

Lugers, something German – plenty of them in the Jonson crowds.

This bloke with shoulders like an arrowroot biscuit, he stops in the middle of the footpath to chat with another bloke and swings his board around so nobody gets to walk past anymore. Between the fucken eyes my son. Next.

About every thirty seconds, coming down from the beach we see kooks in wetsuits carrying boards back to hire shops, still wet kooks; all nationalities except Australian – this stuff isn’t in our genes. That’s why the boys with rifles shooting kooks and drinking schooners on the verandah are what we are here, Australians.

And how much help does a kook need  before he knows that it’s good idea to bring a towel and a pair of duds to the beach. These ones get popped off like rabbits. Everybody on the verandah gets a score there.

Sometimes a good day is a five-kombie day, this is like shooting hippos. The stoner at the wheel, his hat, the rolling paintwork, the smoke coming out of the engine cover – they groan up Jonson like Bombay death wagons heading to a burning. They also take plenty of ammo.

This is how you teach surfing, first instil the values into a kook and second, tell him to go and steal waves off his mates.

pic lifted from surfline

14 Comments Post a comment
  1. Ben #

    Kook Gel: Kooks packed so densely on a point break that it forms a latticework on the ocean surface in which no individual can surf a wave. (Raglan this morning)……it’s not just Byron brother.

    April 6, 2013
  2. Bren gun .. hit ’em in the water

    April 6, 2013
  3. sjh #

    And lets all get on board world go surfing day ………FUCK N FUCK OFF

    April 6, 2013
  4. I feel sorry for anyone over the age of 14 having surf lessons . . . .

    April 7, 2013
  5. SjH #

    I feel sorry for anyone having surf lessons especially the poor kid “forced” into the line-up and “pushed” into waves by a over zealous surfing parent trying to create a little surf hero …

    April 7, 2013
  6. OMG, I feel so stupid – it didn’t occur to me that little kids were being taught! Silly me thought they were either naturals at it or . . . .

    April 7, 2013
  7. or they learnt them selves by flogging around in the shore break with their mates on hunkas or borrowed boards and foamies until they got enough skill to navigate out the back …silly me im a bit old

    April 7, 2013
  8. The business of manufacturing instant locals… a global cancer that gets occasionally sorted when those 8-10ft swells roll thru..

    April 7, 2013
  9. kooks

    April 7, 2013
  10. Is Mex still directing traffic at eleven

    April 8, 2013
  11. The Raw Prawn #

    If Byron is the capital of kooks , then Crescent is the crèche of no etiquette,selfish,mid-to-late age executive BMW driving, learning to surf kooks.
    Fuck off and stick with golf , (and road cycling )

    April 8, 2013
  12. .. lucky they got that far, those guys can’t cook in the open

    April 8, 2013
  13. sjh #

    I hear the Ox is the “happening” place for all that the raw one vents

    April 23, 2013
  14. sjh #

    Actually no drift proves margaret river is the new capitol of transplanted surf hero kook s

    May 2, 2013

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