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how to skip the ballina airport random drug test.

Ballina airport is not a big deal – about six flights in and out every day from either Sydney or Brisbane. Busy busy busy, and today is Rick’s special day because the Uniform with the drug-wand has waved him over for a RDC. A Random Drug Check.

Trained drug testers, such as the Uniform beckoning Rick, have all undergone rigorous psychological instruction with regard to recognising certain archetypical behaviour, or appearance. They know fashion for instance and they are able to equate what a bloke is wearing with what illegal substances he might be carrying. Or what he might be up to generally speaking. Nothing is too subtle for these trained observers. Shivering irises, constant nasal irritation, beads of sweat on the upper lip. Puddles of urine on the floor.

Cool indifference.

Like Rick today. He’s on his way to Sydney on a private overnight matter. Corner suite at the Casino. Lobster, oysters, smoked salmon, chili mussels in the shell .. all this and much more for a late supper at about ten in the suite’s dining room. Enough for eight. Another room downstairs for later and that lovely croupier – Vanessa from Vietnam ?  .. dealing on the Baccarat table again. Remember her?

Baccarat has random moments too. So Rick Oahu accepts that this wave-over is a win indicator for later in the evening. The lovely Vanessa.

Rick is an open sandals man; sandals with a pair of beige chinos, white linen shirt and brown linen jacket. Rick is also about 5’11” and aged at plus sixty. Still tight. Still lean. Weathered up dark from months in the hills behind Byron Bay. No watch, no jewellery, just a pair of Persol sunglasses and a small brown leather case tucked up hard under his right arm. His right hand looks misshapen and is gloved.

He has short grey hair, lots of it. Good teeth. American Express Centurion card. Boom boom.

Somehow all this ticks off the Uniform’s fifteen point mental suspect checklist in it’s entirety and Rick has just lit up the room. So he submits to a full bag check and body wand-over. Plus a little dead-eye from deadeye dick. The Uniform. Now everybody is watching.

Negative colour change. ‘ Thanks mate, ‘ the Uniform says, ‘ have a good day. ‘

Later, and when about half the passengers are on board the Pilot asks that they disembark and return to the terminal because somebody has found evidence of a birdstrike in one of the engines. This means that a two-hour wait in the Ballina airport terminal is necessary while an engineer comes down from the Gold Coast in his 1963 Morris Minor. Then another hour for him to crawl through the engine looking for the pelican’s head.

The airport cafe is overcome, everybody wants coffee and all the seats are occupied, including the one at the back where the three bikers are sitting. Two of them are wearing Hells Angel patches on their T-shirts. The third one looks like he has been eating babies for as long as he has had teeth.

Three big slow moving men with all their facial bones a little off-centre. Nobody needs to know anything here.

Boarding time comes around again and everybody has to pass through the X-ray and metal barriers, including Biker one and Biker two. They are in front of our man Rick who is going around for the second time. He is watching the Uniform with the wand as he runs his mental checklist against the two big men approaching him.

Known criminal gang member – {check}

Known illegal gang associations – {check}

Known involvement in illegal drug importation – {check}

Known involvement in illegal drug manufacture – {check}

Known propensity for terminal violence in airports – {check}

– and he waves them through with a big shit-eating grin. Howareya boys .. fucken A!!

He waves Rick through as well, but Rick wants a quiet word with the Uniform. Wants to know howcome the two big lads just got a pass when he was braced the last time around. This question plus a few more and it was how the Uniform grew so pale so quick that moved Rick to look over his shoulder.

Not a big move, just a slow turn-around and relaxed gaze at Biker number three, who’s standing there listening. Right up close. He’s next in line. The Babyeater.

Jetstar A320 Airbuses carry 177 passengers in two rows of three and seating arrangements are structured to keep couples coupled and families together. ABC on one side, and DEF on the other. This is why the three big lads had seats 27C, 27D and 27E. Isle, isle and middle.

Rick scored 27F. That’s an unlikely win at odds of 18,500 to 1. Another righteous indicator.

– though it was a tight trip.

continued here

2 Comments Post a comment
  1. Dr Robert #

    Rick Oahu..Ballina noir.

    Wonder how he made out at the casino?
    My guess would be he pissed off the croupier’s Japanese Mafia’ boy friend,
    (the quiet one,in the corner).

    Still,losing his left index finger wasn’t so bad, gave him the opportunity to buy a matching glove.

    Rick’s an optimist.

    October 26, 2012

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