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why chicks don’t dig you – the sex

Sex in a relationship between a normal female and a surfer is fraught with performance difficulties – we examine this subject here and a warning, younger readers may be offended by the graphic content. 

The following content may also serve as a handy reference to those who really do need a legitimate excuse to deny their favours to the lady on the other side of the bed.

< – – – just say no fella

In normal relationships the physical act of sexual congress (ASC) usually takes place in the bedroom and at certain times – this is not new research – The Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) recently released a report taken from the last national census that revealed the following times were set aside for the ASC in the majority of households in the nation. They are as follows:

(a) 8 pm. (The After Dinner Mint)

(b) 12 pm. (The Midnight Special)

(c) 6 am. (The Morning Glory)

With respect to our American readers we can safely assume that Nos. (a) and (c) are dispensable – given that the wedding tackle is almost always locked up in the linen closet for all the daylight hours. The English of course work on a lottery system where the wife prints and picks all the tickets. Which reminds me of the Scotsman at a sex discussion meeting where the spokesman asked if there was anyone in the audience who only had sex every 3 months and could he stand – so old Jock stands up  and waves and smiles and twitches and when asked why he was so happy about such a poor situation he replied “Tonight’s THE NIGHT …!”

{Thank you}

–  back to the subject matter.

(c) Reasons for : 

You don’t have to be fully awake to fully perform.

You have to take a shower anyway.

(c) Reasons against :

He’s been gone for two hours.

The surfer you see arises before the dawn and goes forth upon the broad waters, from whence he returns not early with the smell of strong rhum about his person and the truth is not with him. In other words he slipped out of the bed an hour before first light, picked up a towel and boardshorts and with the car already locked and loaded with his boards and wetsuit he’s coasted down the drive and away.

That’s why there is nothing on his side of the bed, again. Even the sheets are cold. He will be back an hour before he has to leave for work and if you think that there might then be a response fom his body you have forgotten that he has just spent three hours sitting up to his waist in cold water. We are talking about the cremasteric reflex here, the gentleman is seriously inadequate at this particular time. Plus there is the lengthy process of untangling the andreogenic hair that has unfortunately formed an effective and almost inpenetrable matt over the yard*, or where it is hidden if you were.

So, having dispensed with (c), we move onto (b)

(b) Reasons for : 

As an aid for deep and restful sleep.

Some things are best done in the dark.

(b) Reasons against :

Who’s awake at midnight on a working day?

The surfer you see would have been awake and active for twenty hours – 4 am to 12 am – and this is not conducive to the ASC.  This, taken together with the unfortunate effect of an excess of saltwater inhalations during the morning and afternoon (coming up next) sessions can sometimes lead to attack of Anosmia – that is; loss of olfactory function, in itself a lead-up condition to the temporary loss of libido.

Jamming a couple of paper towels up the nose may be effective but it is not a great look.

Finally –

(a) Reasons for :

What better way to finish that bottle of Cote Du Rhone.

Plenty of time for doubles.

(a) Reasons against : 

There is a football, rugby, tennis, pro surfing, boxing, good movie, something special on TV.

There you have it, we hope that the ^ above is of assistance for the males, and a way of understanding for the females.

* old English expression for the phallus

9 Comments Post a comment
  1. Okay – I had to think about commenting here so as not to incriminate myself – but…I disagree. The surfer I knew – he always found a way to make it work. 😉

    September 15, 2011
    • I’m trying to think of something clever to say here Jo, but the words fail me .. heh heh

      September 16, 2011
      • Hahahaha – that doesn’t happen often. 😉

        September 16, 2011
  2. Ina #

    I thought surfers did it standing up?

    September 17, 2011
    • Absolutely correct Ina, and welcome to the home of surfing – however you must realise that the sport of riding waves is a relentless pursuit of excellence and any relationship with a woman is fraught with impermanence – we will always respect you Ina, but we must have the freedom of riding the wild surf – for we are wild and free .. totally untucked.

      – and not only do surfers do IT standing up, but we do it on the run –

      September 17, 2011
      • Ina #

        And in rubber. 🙂

        September 17, 2011
      • Now i seem to remember that that IS true – about doing it on the run…hehehe

        September 18, 2011
  3. Ina, you have that look about you .. now don’t do getting the Americans excited

    September 18, 2011
  4. Karen #

    Well as they say, Pete: A good wave isn’t the only thing that’s hard to find. But I think the real dilemma can be found in the results of my quick straw poll of male and female surfers. Men think surfing is better than sex (as long as we’re talking barrels). And women, well they don’t think they get barreled enough.

    September 25, 2011

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