meet sups online ~ and live the dream
You may recall late last year we published an account of the internal machinations of the Online Dating Industry. We have been busy researching the subject in the intervening nine months and now have an insight into the niche market of Stand-UP-Paddleboarders Online Dating.
Cecil and Roger have once again kindly agreed to allow us to transcribe some of their recruitment techniques and read their correspondence – There are apparently more than a few problems sorting out the wheat from the chaff in the online game, and in particular the SUP market where marketable stock is a little thin on the ground, due no doubt to the disfavour they are held in with the rest of the surfing fraternity – with the sole exception of the wave-ski rider, a leprous addition to the body of any brotherhood of the sea.
Submission 1 ~ Rufus from Jamaica.
Rufus has submitted an unusual resume for inclusion in our files in that he has wrapped it around two ounces of ver’ fine gunge, a noble gesture that may well be a positive determinate in the success of his application.
Rufus went to Hawaii in the 1964 season to ride big Kaena Point and a large group of large gentlemen made themselves known to him at Haleiwa on his first night in town and after a short conversation involving the distribution and enforcement techniques of local and overseas recreational product he left for home a little earlier that he had planned, sans any thoughts for future economic import opportunities.
Cec, ‘ Woooof … ! Dis ‘ere is some topgrade bammy Rogo, care for a toke? (choke,coff – gag)
Roger, ‘ Not likely Cec, look what the dreadful rubbish has done to his complexion, how on earth he could make out the features on one of our attractive members on a dating intro is simply beyond me. He must have a breath like a Rugby forward.’
Cec, ‘ Trust you to be familiar with that aspect Rog, but I like the surfer’s thousand yard stare he has, this bloke has all the right signs.’
Roger, ‘ Now you are being silly Cec, how could a boy with such remarkable eyesight make such a mess of his hair. Heaven knows what lives in that comb-up! He needs a positive shearing.
Cec, ‘ Well, he has a good tan, our ladies like an outdoor man.’
Roger, ‘ Our ladies like an outdoor man with a tan that doesn’t come off with Elle Bache Nutrient number 21 on the first application Cec, now put that evil thing away and concentrate, and turn off that Neil Young rubbish please. He is such a whiner on the smoke.’
Submission 2 ~ Matso from Tokyo
Matso is a loose guy.
The small green gadget at his feet is an automatic nap invertor series 211c with a satellite navigation capacity – For security purposes it also has the scanning ability to sense explosives in the luggage of fellow travellers.
When such explosives are encountered the device turns a bright red and nudges the ankles of its owner.
Roger, ‘ How sweet that he can sleep in such confinement, and look at the innocence of his open left hand. It’s as if he’s waiting for a gift.’
Cec.’ We all know about what you could fit in that palm Rog, but is this bloke what we want? He’s out on his bloody feet in a public place , probably dropping his guts every five minutes and even the kid who’s lost his toy won’t come near him, and I don’t like the way his neighbours are shielding their privates there, the bastard is probably radio-active.’
Roger, ‘ He has very nice shoes and his suit is beautifully pressed, that means good money in the land of Wagoku. He probably bathes twice a week.’
Cec, ‘ Steady partner, communal male baths aren’t exactly bug free these days, and you don’t speak the lingo anycase.’
Submission 2 ~ Ricko from Texas
Steve (Ricko) likes a little oil in his sets on the onshore days and when he isn’t smoking up the Seawall shorey he’s just a typical square faced yank with a silly hat on a horse smoking his lungs to a wet sludge for a pittance – Steve (Ricko) does double ups on his mustang just in case the ladies think he’s a just another lonesome cowhand – He wants to come to Australia one day, meet the boys. Ride the wild Ossie surf.
Yank SUPs think like that.
Roger, ‘ I cannot believe that last sentence Cec, can we express the boy out here 1st class tomorrow, such verve in that profile, such an overpowering male presence.’
Cec, ‘ Give me a bloody break podnuh, the bloke’s a walking liability and all he wants to do is come out here and shift the blame for the smokes. The horse he’s on isn’t exactly a bolter either, what you can see of it. Probably made of two ply.’
Roger, ‘ looks like one hundred ply to me sweetie, such a straight back, so tight-lipped.’
Cec, ‘ Tight-arsed more like, horses do that to a bloke. So do SUPs – Your side of the dating ledger will love him.’