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moving to an idyllic acreage in the byron hills has its disadvantages

I had an old neighbour name of Vic who found his 100 acres of nut farm was getting too hard to handle – so he sold it to a local real-estate / developer some years ago. Shame that, having a natter with the old boy over the boundary fence was one of life’s pleasures, but there you go, now he’s in the ground and moves are afoot to flog the now Community titled property to anyone who’s jack of the Covid restrictions and wants to sell up and move here.

Not that you could blame them when it looks like this ..

and it’s only 25 minutes to Lennox, Byron, Boulder, Ballina or Bruns. Plus a few secret spots very hard to find.

Problem is though the city types aren’t being told the whole truth about living up here in the hills so a bloke has to do his best to inform them of a few problems that might crop up from time to time … as follows

(1) Like the many roving mobs of savage cross-bred dogs big enough to drag down and kill cattle, so best keep your kiddies indoors when the sun goes down (2) deadly brown snakes, BIG brown snakes that like to slide under the gap of closed doors and hide under the bed, your bed (3) Monstrous pythons that would love a regular diet of your hobby chickens (4) Poisonous black snakes that prefer to live under the house where they breed in dozens (5) Death adders, deadly death adders that live along the watercourses where the city types like to think they might get into a bit of country-stye nude bathing in summer (6) paralysing bush ticks. One minute you’re up and about, the next you’re writhing in a blinded and paralysing agony (7) And is that the distant surf you’re hearing at night? Not likely my son, that’s about 1,000 blood-sucking mosquitoes coming through the rip in the flyscreen above your head (8) Grass tick infestations. You think hives itch, bro? These little bastards attack in cohorts and can only be dug out with a sharp, pointed knife – and there will be scars like you’ve had full-blown acne all your life (9) Bush rats. They don’t run away when you approach them, they run at you, poisonous fangs bared (10) Unchecked camphor laurel growth, meaning the forests around your million dollar lot are dark, wet and shady all year and alive with strange gruntings audible on those nights when all a man wants is dreamless sleep (11) Lack of protective dog-proof fencing because old Vic wasn’t up to it for the last 40 years of his life and putting in that stuff ain’t cheap (12) Immense and savage wild cats that like to come up out of the bush and patrol your buildings looking for (13) a feed of mice as hundreds of the little buggers prefer the warmth of a building’s foundations rather than risk (14) being wiped out by the regularly occurring grass and bushfires that rage through the hills every couple of years, which can disturb (15) the rough-sleeping vagrants who like to knock off anything edible in your veggie patch when you’re not home and. they’re not (16) caring for the many illegal marijuana plantations that are (17) leased out by motor cycle gangs from Brisbane who visit regularly on (18) powerfully noisy Harley Davidsons because they like to come down and sell their crop to the bangers who roll up for the many (19)illegal five-day massively amplified bush-doof concerts held amongst the (20) old, termite infested macadamia plantations access to which regularly becomes un-navigable because (21) of the many road washouts caused by (22) ferocious storms that regularly drop dozens of inches of rain on summer nights and which are accompanied by (23) winds powerful enough to blow off any roof that isn’t cyclone proof.

Sort that lot out and there’s only one problem left ..

The locals.

and we bite as well
6 Comments Post a comment
  1. Okay Pete, you’ve made your point and I promise I won’t come and move in next door.
    Now … what the heck are you doing getting on a trampoline with a rake and shovel?

    August 12, 2021
    • Long story Johnno, but there’s a set of stumps and a beachball out of the shot .. up here we invent our own sports.

      August 12, 2021
  2. Lorraine Lambert #

    Sounds like Paradise. What happened Pete, they reneged on the commission? 🙄😍

    August 13, 2021
  3. Why are people so unkind?

    August 13, 2021
  4. Bennison Books #

    Australian Gothic?

    https://www.artic.edu/artworks/6565/american-gothic

    August 13, 2021

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