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the mathematics of surfing – (1) the 5 definitions.

For those who are not familiar with the hierarchical society that exists in the surf the following table may be of assistance:

From the top.

(1) The bodysurfer.

The unassailable master of the breaking wave. Intelligent and wise, good-looking and morally upstanding. Modest in all things and a friend of all who come his way. Generous and well-read. A credit to his family.

(2) The short-board rider.

Highly skilled and solidly contemptuous of all above and below him on this structure. Greedy and cunning. Everyone of them is joe cool. Their words cannot be believed and their social habits are beyond a decent man’s comprehension. Some are aged over 45. Women avoid the company of a short-board rider, Fathers forget their first names and friends come and go like the seasons. They are their daughter’s despair. They have elephantine egos that grow with time, massive big things – some early aspire to be professionals in the sport and are given colourful clothing to wear by conglomerate sportswear companies. There is little to add, they are here and in their millions.

(3) The long-boarder.

If this was an Islamic society being governed by Sharia Law the Long-boarder would have been eliminated the same sorry year he re-emerged. This is a degenerate pastime followed by old men of bad-repute who vainly copy the techniques used by old masters* and in the doing expose their own shallow origins. They muster up in large numbers and discuss subjects so brain-numbing and tedious they have to shout at each other to gain an audience. A coffee drought will see the end of them.

As a note of interest – Indonesia is considering invoking capital law banning the use of longboards. We commend them.

(4) The wave-ski rider.

Once the scourge of the Pacific and now thankfully confined to those beaches inhabited by the obdurate, senile and the badly co-ordinated, the goat-boater remains a wretched and isolated individual abandoned by all. The NSW Crimes Commission recently submitted a questionnaire to the state’s Corrective Services clients which asked, amongst other things, if they had ever used a wave-ski. The results were not encouraging seeing that most of the prisoners who bothered to respond said they had had a few waves on a goat-boat, but encouraging nevertheless was seeing how many of the goaties were locked up.

(5) The stand up paddle-boarder. SUP.

Herewith one of the great mysteries of the sea. How is it that an uncool combination of the longboard and the wave-ski can attract the attention of of the more some serious cool knowledgable savvy normal guys surfers?

or –

Why surf standing on a log with a paddle, this is not progressive. This is not the act of a sensible man.

One possible explanation may lay in the histories of Tahiti and Hawaii. We have done the research there.

More intriguing though is proving that + (-$1 )+ (- $1) = +$1

– because this is the wrong result. The right result should be negative 2 bucks. Like you owe $2.

^ Here though we have a  got positive $1 but it’s the right result. Now we can explain what they knew, because this is better than e=mc2

follow us on this voyage .. we may need some assistance.


10 Comments Post a comment
  1. And I thought the Masonic Lodge was a mystery!

    March 18, 2012
  2. joe green #

    i womp,i ride fish,i ride eggs,i ride logs.sup is like disco dancing or is fucking stupid why not just paddle your 30 inch wide 5 inch thick like the fucking wave hog your trying not to be.china made no less.goat boats never see them here.stand up paddle doesn’t make sense.

    March 18, 2012
  3. Lids?

    March 18, 2012
    • We have dealt with the lidders previously bear, they cannot be trusted – besides, they are of another culture and have habits and language foreign to most of us.

      March 18, 2012
  4. Ben #

    Clubbies and their wave riding craft.

    This list just depresses me.

    March 21, 2012
    • Justin Tano #

      i like to shortboard and wavestorm. however; knee boarders are dope

      June 29, 2012
  5. Lids…I missed that one I think

    March 23, 2012
  6. Ah, Ben, you and all the other 19,999,845 short boarders just say after me – altogether now – we ARE individuals; we ARE unique; we DO think for ourselves; we DON’T flock together….

    March 23, 2012
    • Ben #

      Your so right as a physician said

      “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

      March 25, 2012
  7. Dr. Centro #

    You’ve got an apt description of longboarders here. I wish there were some way to remove these old bumbling degenerates.

    May 8, 2012

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