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surfing archetypes – the banker / lawyer / accountant businessman bastard.

There is so much to choose from in this category. But first we must examine why this particular bastard is in fact an archetypical bastard. This may well be brutal reading for some and we caution that feelings may be inflamed by the following ill-informed opinions, not to mention the hasty research. Nevertheless we must continue with this, the inner truth.

This is about Richard. Big Business Richard.

Richard surfs every day at Bondi, every day without fail. Richard is singular like that and that’s the reason he’s got the full view of the yard here and all the big windows. Richard is so driven he’s professionally successful, and that’s why he surfs. That’s why he goes to Bali every year, and the Mauritius. Richard has it all laid out flat. Even Uge takes his pic once a month here at Aquabumps.

Asamatteroffact someone might suggest to Mr. Tan that he exercise a little more restraint in picking his subjects – he’s not helping with the program here. Word is that he’s a bodysurfer, Tan.

Say no more.

There was a time when surfers were a little on the under-educated side, all those days away from school pursuing surfing obligations. They were also lacking the necessary social attributes of the times; they grew hair unrestrained and walked barefoot through every door. They stowed away on Hawaii bound passenger liners and when there immediately started dropping in on the locals. Somebody ring up Bob McTavish and see if he remembers. Good old Whitewater Bob, one of the earlier nuggets.

Now we have the Richards. These archetypical bastards realised long ago that the slovenly and out of control rabble who infested the better ends of the beaches and the more superior of the available breaks needed to be swept away. Replaced.

The Richards have learnt their lessons very well you see, they have seen the mainland Chinese dispossess the deeply spiritual Tibetan population with Mandarin speaking shopkeepers open 24 hours a day 7 days a week. They have watched the Indonesians do the same with the thousands of indigenous tribes who have long occupied fertile riverlands and ancient forests. No more head-hunting up there, no more cannibalism – all the great and sensitive cultures swept away.

Every wave a Richard takes belongs to someone else. We must drum this mantra into our youth.

How can a fellow such as Dickie ^ ever cultivate the attitude necessary to be a surfer .. ? How can a successful professional with the requisite knowledge to be able to read a Balance Sheet, understand financial derivatives, evaluate collateralised debt obligations, use ‘ leverage ‘ in a sentence, carry a Blackberry to the gym  and wear a suit every day ever hope to compete in the surf with a typical low-life bludger with no money and no prospects.

Force of numbers, that’s how. Armies of these phoney surfing postulants now infest our beaches with fearless impunity, breeding amongst themselves like adulterous cane-toads. They are underfoot, they are under our beds and worse of all they are out the back.

< Dora was right, when you see one, eliminate him.

Bring back the surfer .. !!

13 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jeez, Pete, I thought you were going a bit overboard on the hyperbole until I read the fourth from last paragraph.

    Phew.

    December 1, 2011
  2. Hippy #

    love this PB

    December 1, 2011
  3. ta hip, I’m wrestling with the next one – the girl who surfs in a bikini .. there’s plenty there and then there’s rebecca – but I gotta do it ..

    December 1, 2011
  4. Yep, I’d wrestle with any surfer girl in a bikini, too.

    December 1, 2011
  5. This series is a guilty pleasure – keep it coming mate…

    December 2, 2011
  6. you’ve got to ask yeself stivb – would YOU wear coloured underpants out in the surf?

    – and bear, the opportunites here are endless – you will earn your guilt

    December 2, 2011
  7. Sludger #

    C’mon Pete, does your ability to read beyond contribution margins and EBITDA figures not aid in choosing the best waves in a set?

    Consider those bean counters who walk the walk and talk the talk akin to a newby with a fresh BillaQuik RipHurl costume and coca white stick under their arm…

    Bhazow would go.

    December 3, 2011
  8. Bhazow would indeed go sludger – and go hard, asamatteroffact Bhazow is due for an appearance here – he’s been about

    December 3, 2011
  9. Karen #

    “able to read a Balance Sheet, understand financial derivatives, evaluate collateralised debt obligations, use ‘ leverage ‘ in a sentence”…

    Well, you gave the game away there Pete. I hope you don’t mind if I now reveal to your more ignorant readers that the top photo is in fact the author himself during his days as Chief Accountant at the National Steel and Shipbuilding Company (NASSCO).

    December 3, 2011
  10. Yeah, ok karen, but I was chomping golden tops at the time – you know that those eyes aren’t human – trust me

    December 3, 2011
  11. Karen #

    If it makes you feel any better Pete, I actually went to Uge’s site fully expecting to see Mr Android Eyes featured in the line-up. (He wasn’t, but there was a great picture of a cockatoo.)

    December 3, 2011
  12. Pellinore #

    And you know what really what really melts my wax with respect to these Dicks! In a conversation with said Richard. Cultivated in the lineup with general bonhoemie and general respect, leads to a beer or few (hasn’t really happened, but supposeing). Start to be inappropriate (politely inappropriate at this time of night). Sure enough, usherered out the door, damn. You gotta take what you can get.

    July 2, 2014
  13. a rich bastard never knows the feeling ..

    July 2, 2014

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