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why chicks don’t dig you – the deck

There are one or two of you out there who need to get your shit together.

– The one of you who never cleans the accumulated wax from the deck of his favourite board, he who leaves to grow those great and leprous lumps of globular filth that have suspended in them the curled and ancient pubic hairs of many sexes, together with the rotted crescents of a lifetime of discarded toe-nails – big toe toe-nails ripped off in the panic of obtaining a little extra leverage getting over a rogue beastie, then there is the ground in crust of blackened and loosened knee-scabs leavened with all the gravel and grasses of every parking lot from Palm Beach to Pink Rock.

Layers of wax, wax the colour of phlegm, odiferous, noxious. Heavy, slippery.

< ~ ~ ~

This is Kate – you’ve just invited her on a trip to the Queensland points, just the two of you. Three weeks to Double Island and three weeks back.

She has the double sleeping bag.

She has the time, she will also buy the gas, she will look after the food and she will share the driving she likes you that much.

But she has just had a look at your board, as described above.

So it’s not going to happen old boy, not now, not ever. She relates the condition of your deck to the state of your underdaks. 

It’s over.


10 Comments Post a comment
  1. You have just grossed me out completely 🙂

    September 10, 2011
  2. Keeping that deck tidy seems like a small price Pete…

    September 10, 2011
  3. wait until we take a close look at an old wetsuit Jo, and small price indeed bear – for that lady I would be scraping it with a razor after every session

    September 10, 2011
  4. OK, Skip Frye actually does clean off and rewax boards every session and he’s a much respected legend whereas I’m useless at it and children point at me and laugh. Furthermore, despite my fine array of surfboards Kate hasn’t even offered me a lift to the shitty beach break in Santa Monica. I know what I need to be doing tomorrow…
    Probably won’t stop the kids pointing and laughing though.

    September 10, 2011
  5. Next we do wetsuits kirk, we do wetsuits, surf journalism, bacterial infestations – we hammer rob bain and nick carroll without mercy – we do The Hard Hit – somebody has to.

    September 10, 2011
  6. Old wetsuits – hmmmmmmmm – might be out of town when that one hits the screens – yep – definately out of town that day. Hehehehehehehe

    September 11, 2011
  7. Pete, the wax is one thing, but all that sand . . .not sure how discriminatory the Kate is if she is on board.

    September 14, 2011
  8. next we go very hard and examine the greatest problem with having a surfer as a lover – we look at sex, carefully.

    September 14, 2011
  9. I could have phrased that better

    September 14, 2011
  10. Ina #

    I can see the part of the toe nails, it makes sense to keep them. 🙂 People throw away stuff much too easily!

    September 18, 2011

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