the byron on byron – a review

The Byron on Byron.

Nowhere near Byron in fact, halfway to Lennox Head to be more precise.

The Byron On The Road to Lennox – that should have more customers calling by. Today for instance. Twelve people lying around the pool looking like victims of a Sarin gas attack, amazing how expensive leisure breeds extensive exhaustion – and one forsaken couple sitting in the restaurant – kind of.

This is about 1.30 pm; the sun is warmly inviting through the western windows of the restaurant’s dining room and ^ those two are way over on the shady outside, out in the wind – but that’s ok because the tables inside are being set for dinner service, five hours away. Staff always know better. Paying guests are required to be obedient, especially the ones from Melbourne. Anyone with real money goes to Noosa and hasn’t that place evolved nicely from the 60’s. Blame Bob McTavish.

A drink before lunch as we are seated in one of the lovely array of plastic lounges with just a few stains here and there on the cushions – lots of excited kiddies here at B on B on school holidays – and over comes a lady with a very big smile. She wants to know how we are,  who we are, where we’re from, are we staying, are we happy, and do we have communicable diseases.

No idea who she is, no name tag – no offer of information. So we asked. Customer Relations is what she is. Gladys, or Rhiannon. Glenys? Another big smile, we’re expecting a clipboard and pencil and some serious data collecting before someone mentions that the place is known locally as Guantanamo. This is an inside joke as you have to stay here to be able to appreciate the excellence of a design that incorporates a massive network of functional steel walkways between the wings and the iron-meshed verandahs in the suites. Plus it’s built in a swamp.

She goes away, into a cloud of mosquitoes.

Lunch.

‘Yes we’ll have that sunny table over there.’ Lovely girl the waitress. ‘ I’m sure you can manage it. ‘

She did.

‘ Let’s start with the Pol Roger 1999, $195. That’ll be just fine. Then the menu. ‘

1 Grilled whole snapper, fresh. 1 Tempura snapper fillets with Okinawa salad. 1 Grilled king prawns with signature mayonnaise. I Black Angus steak with garlic and Worcestershire  sauce and please keep that 4th place made because The Baron is expected for dessert, and more Champagne if you will.

Human nature. There are subtle nuances here that make for great entertainment. For instance.

Anyone who walks into a formal dining room wearing thongs, board shorts and a work T-shirt could be expected to be quietly shown the back door. This is because we are a capitalistic society permanently striving for social affirmation. It is written.

However when said chap is greeted royally by a table with a $195 bottle of Pol Roger 1999 in the bucket and another on the way the rules change. Everybody rises as he approaches the table – dreadlocks not quite flowing – and the little clutch of staff festering away over by the till don’t know whether The Baron is one of the resort gardeners lost in space or the love child of Sid and Nancy here for rehabilitation.

They even open the door for him when he wanders out for a smoke later. And did I say that The Baron was is extravagantly gay .. Do I need to?

The food was sensational, the coffee was very poor. Put that down to the Prince of Denmark – he was the coffee-boy waitperson responsible for the lukewarm mud on the day. And such a BIG attitude. There had to be one.

Pity that.

all known references to this essay courtesy of nicks’s mate, the pom; nude-nut

and cc to gerry harvey, or has that already happened.