mick fanning speaks to his people.
They have these things online, websites where you get to ask a champion any question and in about five minutes he replies, the champ does. He’s just sitting by the computer there just hanging leather for the next question.
This is what makes a champ a champ, this ready availability to join the knuckle draggers. Guys with foreheads too small to wrinkle. But what makes askmick.com different is that if you submit a pic he gets right back to you – the guy is fucking pronto.
It works like this:
(1) This is Maxed-out Clive Manstead, from County Cork. His question that accompanied this photo is reprinted here with full the permission of askmick.com., as are all the others.
Many thanks. Hugely indebted. Cheque’s in the mail.
‘Mick,’ asks Clive, ‘I know that claiming is regarded as a bit superfluous in some conditions, but according to the Cheyne Horan School of Surfing, if I get up on just one wave on a three hour $250 surf lesson I can go one. So I did. Whaddyareckon?’
‘Clive,’ says Mick back, online and straight away, ‘I’m calling that manoeuvre a classic, standing jam-tail pitchover. I’m looking at some solid centre balance here and there is a pleasing symmetry in the weight distribution of both your fat arse and slopped-out beer belly. Pretty much everyone here would also like to know what technique you used to get up Clive, because nobody can see what you’ve got up on.
The wave Clive, there isn’t fucking one.
Does Horan’s wave catching school do money back? You should ask.’
(2) This is Valerie Smudgstones from Unbelievable County Texas, her pic is from Lennox Head, and she’s with Cheyne, again. That guy needs to be hurt.
‘Mick, ‘ she writes, or posts, ‘ does walking the plank get you the same result as getting off this fucking board before I fall off, wet my hair and lose my jewellery?’
Val waits tables at one of Ibrahim brothers’ bars so is no tender chicken, as you can see, and Cheyne gave her a discount if she wore her uniform in today’s lesson, but no heels he said, these boards have maintenance enough already.
Mick gets back right away. ‘Val,’ he says, ‘ Smudger, can I call you that? Because looking at this pic makes my eyes water, guys in here are blowing it up and putting on the wall there’s so much to see.
A few things – the left hand, is it going for a rail grab, or are you wanting to check the tension on the leg rope? And I have to ask about impact and hurt, because you’re heading downtown Smudger, I’m looking at bruises on the hard bones of your pert bar-room bottom coming up, and in case Cheyno didn’t mention it, breasts don’t help in the flotation department. That’s why guys wear sluggos, some things need wrapping up in the surf, but women never got that.’
Last is Dooley from Carolina, seen here powering out of backdoor Wategos. Cheyne has a school there too, the guy should do bus runs he carries that many students.
‘Mick,’ Dooley writes,’I’m always looking for more tubetime, and have got a technique together here that you might admire to comment upon.’
This took a while. Even Fanning takes a hit every now and then.
‘First thing Dooley, is that I like the body posture here, it reminds me of punctuation? Yeah, like a question mark, so I’m asking why would you want to dig both your hands into the wave so that when you slow down the lip will hit you on the arse? Put a stool under your backside and a pair of sticks in your hands and it’s Billy Cobham, and Billy don’t surf.’
This is how it goes for champs, everything they know is ok for everybody else to know, because there’s not much we know after all, you can tell this because were aren’t the ones who are the champs.
That’s how catch 22 was invented.